Hi guys,
I know this isn't a beauty post but I really wanted to do this as I wanted you guys to know what its like for me, and I'm about to face a difficult time with my vitiligo so this may help me.
Knowing that this post might just help one person, who might not nessicarily have vitiligo, but may have acne, or diformities then it would be worth it. Somedays I wake up and feel confident with my vitiligo, where as some days I want to curl up in a ball underneath my bed covers and scream 'why me?" Living with a skin condition, or anything strange or perculier is horrible, nobody understands but they pretend they do. I hate having people say "I understand" because you really don't understand how it feels, or "you can talk to me about it" if I want to talk about it then I will, but most of the time I want to forget, and pretend I'm normal.
Next year in May I'm going to France for a week with my school, its all water based activities which means wearing a bikini in front of people who might not have seen my vitiligo before, it means handling over 200 different reactions all at once, which is in incredibly overwhelming, and a incredibly scary thought, which continues to haunt me. Back in April last year I began to go swimming once/twice a week with my friends, then the boys started going then I stopped. Fear of judgement. Fear of opinion. Fear of comments. Fear of bullys. Vitiligo has controlled me for my whole life; and most likely will continue to control me for the remain of my life. But I have to, so I hope doing this post will give me some confidence in showing who I really am.
I hate doing PE, even though I love sport. I hate swimming, even though I love swimming. I hate netball even though I love netball. I hate holidays even though I love holidays. I hate summer even though I love summer. All of them means revealing slightly more of me. Apart of me I long to hide, lock in a cage, peel off and kick. I scratch it somedays for so long my skin goes red and raw, I do it hoping it will somehow come off, I'm not stupid to know that it won't work. I don't even know why I do it, it dosn't even help. In fact it makes me so much angrier, but I continue to do it.
I have people call me names, and I have to deal with it. Nobody should have to hear people call you names, I've been called so many names, and I have learnt how to deal with it whether its to ignore it or protest against it. I don't like confrontation so I would never approach someone, if someone was starring at me - which they often are - then I will look away, blink back tears and carry on. But after I always regret never saying anything. You don't stare at someone who hasn't got a leg, or are in a wheelchair, so why stare at me? Am I really so awful to look at. I want to tell people how I feel, I shouldn't have to put up with mean people, I'm thirteen for godsake and I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never be popular, and that people in this world are mean, and so horrifically horrible. I'm not ordinary or anything wildly different, I may share the same skin has a giraffe or a cow. But that makes me; and I've come to terms with the fact that it is the real me. Behind the layers of makeup, and clothes that covers it all, is somebody broken, and exhausted. But I'm strong. I can have someone stare at me in disgust, point at me, laugh at me, whisper and torment me, tell me I wear to much makeup and I can walk away and smile. It's made me weak, but in a weird way its made me strong. I'll never understand why someone can feel the need to call me names, and point at me, and make me feel ten times worse about myself than I already did.
I'm sitting her crying, because I remember all the things I've been called, everything I have gone through. I remember being about eight and wearing a beautiful green leotard for my dancing class, I had been so excited for my dad to buy me that damn thing, I put it on feeling so elegant, and yet getting home I cried and cried because I said it didn't look right, I thought it would make me beautiful, but it enhanced what I could already see. I refused to but it on again, and even being eight I was scared to show the world who I was. I remember the teachers telling me off for wearing makeup to school, when I didn't wear any, telling them I didn't wear any, but they didn't believe me. I remember being on year eight camp, and not wearing shorts and tank tops even though all my friends did, and it was so hot and yet I wore long sleeves, and jeans. Then when we went swimming, I pretended to be on my period so I wouldn't have to swim in front of everyone. Ashamed. I've never felt accepted, or felt belonged. I was three when I was first started to have white patches appear, and being a model, companies wanted to cover it up, and pretend it wasn't there. My parents let them for a while, before they couldn't handle it. Who would? Watching your child be covered in makeup hiding their flaws, covering something so unique and different, because it wasn't defined as perfect or beautiful. When you break down you really do break down. I fell to the ground crying because I couldn't take it. I couldn't ignore it, and I couldn't pretend everything was okay because it wasn't. 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.' May be the stupidest thing to say, words hurt much more than you will ever know. They surround you, and the pain never subsides.
I will never understand why society thinks blonde hair, skinny, and tanned skin beautiful, I will never understand why people like me aren't accepted, and I will never understand why people feel better about making fun of me. One thing I do know is I have amazing friends, they get me through everything and I wouldn't be here without them. I love them all so much, they will never realise how much they have changed me for the better, and kept me up when I am down. When finally I do break down they don't make fun of me, they just hug me. Help me forget everything nasty. I love them all so much, thank you all for accepting me, and loving me for being me. You are all so beautiful inside and out, you are amazing people. Thank you.
'Vitiligo has taken over my life, it is a part of me, vitiligo is my natrual beauty, I just have to accept it.' You are all beautiful people, flaws define you, they make you stronger, they make you weak but they make you YOU. If you need any help contact me. - Daisysianbutterworth@gmail.com
If you need help please tell someone, they CAN help you.
I know this isn't my normal post, but I really needed to do this.
Love Daisy
x
Playlist:
Breath me - SIA
Diana - 1D
Fix You - Coldplay
