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Monday, 23 June 2014

Social Anxiety/Reason for AWOL

I've been meaning to do a post like this for a while, I have those sudden days where I want to share exactly how I've been feeling, but sometimes I like to use my blog to forget about everything that may be going on elsewhere. But recently I've been wanting to let you know what has been going and what the personal reasons for me being AWOL; so today I decided it's time I sat down and wrote a blog post that didn't have a meaning, or even't a suitable title. Anyway, lets get into my little ramble.

A bit of Background Information - In primary school I wasn't anything extraordinary, I wasn't academic, nor creative I guess I kind of stuck out a bit. The only thing I really did have was an imagination but I didn't really know how to utilise it, I think I use to lie and make up silly stories and exaggerate a wee bit. (Okay, a lot!) But since being thrown into high school I leaned towards creative side - I wasn't very good at art, but I was hopeless in academic subjects. Up until year nine (when I became more academic) I wasn't aware of the world around me, I guess I was stuck in my own little bubble.

In Year Nine, everything gets serious and the world suddenly seems cliche in being the 'big bad world', and you realise how hard it is to get a job, or get onto the property market. (Something I won't have to worry about for a few years yet!) This is the time I guess I got my act together, I focused and actually studied for tests and tried my hardest in every subject. My grades reflected upon this, and slowly I managed to find my 'inner self.' (Getting a bit cliche again, aren't we!) I enjoyed Geography and History, and English but struggled in Maths, Science and French. Slowly I'm trying to get better and gradually my grades are increasing. (These are core subjects in my school so INCREDIBLY important.)

But going back to the start of year nine (and quite possibly the majority of year eight) I had quite a bad case of social anxiety. I avoided crowds wear possible excusing my self out of socialising with friends and didn't attend cricket club on a Friday night or youth club on a Thursday. (I still do, but slowly I am getting better!) My self confidence played a key role in this, due to vitiligo. I was afraid of what people though to of me, and now I think thats the worst thing someone can do. I lost most of my primary school friends, and made two/three new friends who were at a glance the nerdy quiet ones, but loud and crazy together. God, do I love them to bits.

 I don't think my parents ever understood how I felt, or actually realised that I had social anxiety, and maybe a tiny case of depression. My parents are quite social people, so to them It was a bit strange. They wanted me to make friends. but I didn't. I was happy with my friends, but then again I wasn't happy. I didn't like school, although I didn't struggle anymore academically, but I hated break and lunch time. It felt like hours, and would drag by, and the thought made me physically sick. I longed for the comfort of my own bedroom, and I guess that's why I wrote stories on wattpad and eventually started this blog. Nobody knows you, nobody judges you, nobody criticise' you. I could be a whole new person.

As mentioned in my Vitiligo Post a few months back, I had year nine camp in June. This is where I came out of my shell. I had to show my skin, and I am so lucky to have made new friends. (Boys and Girls) People who didn't judge me, or characterise me. I think I finally found where I belong. I enjoy school, and I enjoy break and lunch. Although I have those days where I am defiantly on a low and would rather spend time in my bedroom wrapped up in fluffy socks clutching a manky old teddy bear, and listening to lana del ray. Some days my confidence is so low I feel sick and avoid mirrors where possible. I'm quiet and withdrawn but they are far less frequent. I wasn't clinically depressed, but I was defiantly in a bad way a few months back, and did contemplate the meaning of my life.

If I have bad thoughts I can quickly climb back out, instead of falling deeper like I did months back. I wan't to be a journalist when I'm older, I love writing simply because you can be someone completely different. I think everyone at some stage debates their existence or has a sudden doubt in themselves. But social anxiety and low confidence/self esteem does play a small key role in my life, but has undoubtedly shrunk, and I have my friends to thank.

So I don't know what purpose this gives to you guys, but I wanted to let you know and kind of give you an update of my life recently. It is world vitiligo day on the 25th, and I am looking forward to meeting lots of people with Vitligo on saturday in London! I would like to tell you guys, honestly everything does get better, I wish I had someone to tell me that.

Please don't unfollow, as I had a fare few unfollowers the last month and last post like this, there will be a beauty post by thursday, but I wanted to share a personal piece of my life!

Love you guys so much,
feel free to email me if you want to talk, my email is in the contact bar above!
See you on Thursday! x


  1. This was such a touching and warm felt post! I love these! x

    1. Thanks Jen! its lovely to have lovely touching comments! :) xx